6/01/2012

Fucking Terrible

Piranha 3DD
(USA, 83 min.)
Dir. John Gulager, Writ. Patrick Melton & Marcus Dunstan and Joel Soisson
Starring: Danielle Panabakar, Matt Bush, David Koechner, Chris Zylka, David Hasselhoff, Christopher Lloyd.
Forget James Cameron. Forget Martin Scorsese. The key to making a good 3D movie is not a visionary director. As Piranha 3DD shows, the magic ingredient for 3D goodness is a pair of big jiggly boobs. Piranha 3DD takes ‘tits and ass’ entertainment to the third dimension. The only difference between seeing this film and visiting your local titty bar is that one does need to be nineteen to enter. (One also need not leave a tip.) This movie shamelessly exploits the latest cash-cow in cinematic entertainment for the sake of an easy buck: Piranha 3DD is the sorriest excuse for a movie since From Justin to Kelly.

The horror resumes in this installment of the franchise – Piranha 3DD is a sequel to the 2010 remake of the 1978 movie – when the mutant piranhas wreak havoc on the water park The Big Wet. (You can expect what kinds of jokes ensue.) The Big Wet is both a family fun zone and a naughty ‘adults only’ play land. It even has a ‘cooch cam’ in the grown-ups pool. Surely the carnivorous fish are nowhere near as dangerous as the bodily fluids circulating within the waters of The Big Wet. The nadir of Piranha 3DD is that it allows moviegoers to debate what fate is worse: a girl losing her virginity to a piranha or a boy losing his penis. It’s a battle of the sexes to be sure, but everyone will agree that they’re thankful that neither fate is enhanced by the crappy pop-out visuals.

It’s odd to fault Piranha 3DD, though, because it clearly achieves its objective. It’s brainless excess that allows thirteen year old boys and thirty year old douchebags to get their jollies off by enjoying a little nip' and a nibble. Unfortunately, though, this fish flick swims nowhere near the waters of being so bad that it’s good. There are, admittedly, some decent David Hasselhoff jokes (he’s a really good sport) and it’s fun to watch Christopher Lloyd exploit the dregs of his dwindling career, but Piranha 3DD hardly offers enough yuks to deserve the extra three bucks that viewers must shell out in order to see the goods. Thanks to the latest technological advances in cinematic excess, Piranha 3DD  takes derivative shit to a whole new level. 

Rating: (out of ★★★★★)  

Piranha 3DD is currently playing in Ottawa at Silver City Gloucester.

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