(USA, 83 min.)
Dir. John Gulager, Writ. Patrick Melton & Marcus Dunstan
and Joel Soisson
Starring: Danielle Panabakar, Matt Bush, David Koechner,
Chris Zylka, David Hasselhoff, Christopher Lloyd.
Forget James Cameron. Forget Martin Scorsese. The key to making
a good 3D movie is not a visionary director. As Piranha 3DD shows, the magic ingredient for 3D goodness is a pair
of big jiggly boobs. Piranha 3DD takes
‘tits and ass’ entertainment to the third dimension. The only difference
between seeing this film and visiting your local titty bar is that one does
need to be nineteen to enter. (One also need not leave a tip.) This movie
shamelessly exploits the latest cash-cow in cinematic entertainment for the
sake of an easy buck: Piranha 3DD is
the sorriest excuse for a movie since From
Justin to Kelly.
The horror resumes in this installment of the franchise – Piranha 3DD is a sequel to the 2010
remake of the 1978 movie – when the mutant piranhas wreak havoc on the water
park The Big Wet. (You can expect what kinds of jokes ensue.) The Big Wet is
both a family fun zone and a naughty ‘adults only’ play land. It even has a ‘cooch
cam’ in the grown-ups pool. Surely the carnivorous fish are nowhere near as dangerous
as the bodily fluids circulating within the waters of The Big Wet. The nadir of
Piranha 3DD is that it allows
moviegoers to debate what fate is worse: a girl losing her virginity to a piranha or a boy
losing his penis. It’s a battle of the sexes to be sure, but everyone will
agree that they’re thankful that neither fate is enhanced by the crappy pop-out
visuals.
It’s odd to fault Piranha
3DD, though, because it clearly achieves its objective. It’s brainless excess
that allows thirteen year old boys and thirty year old douchebags to get their
jollies off by enjoying a little nip' and a nibble. Unfortunately, though, this
fish flick swims nowhere near the waters of being so bad that it’s good. There
are, admittedly, some decent David Hasselhoff jokes (he’s a really good sport)
and it’s fun to watch Christopher Lloyd exploit the dregs of his dwindling
career, but Piranha 3DD hardly offers
enough yuks to deserve the extra three bucks that viewers must shell out in
order to see the goods. Thanks to the latest technological advances in cinematic excess, Piranha 3DD takes derivative shit to a whole new
level.
Rating: ★ (out of ★★★★★)
Piranha 3DD is currently playing in
Ottawa at Silver City Gloucester.
