The Worst Films of 2013:
Stephen Frears should thank his lucky stars for Philomena. I was all but ready to write off Mr. Frears after the unspeakably bad Lay the Favourite offered frame upon frame of dead energy for ninety-odd minutes. Not an inch of this film works and the cast that includes Bruce Willis and Catherine-Zeta Jones hit some of the lowest points of their career as they joined Frears on autopilot to collect a paycheck. Star Rebecca Hall should be the most thankful of all that Lay the Favourite was overlooked almost entirely, for her career could have gone the way of Elizabeth Berkeley, as Lay the Favourite inadvertently realizes Showgirls' prophecy that we are all whores.
The canon of “Shitty Heather Graham” hits its peak with this cheap and sleazy Canadian foodie “thriller”.
Observational docs can be deadly. Case in point: The Last Station literally moves at a snail’s pace when the directors film a snail moving in real time as a choir of elderly folks sing a hymn as they wait to die.
Toni Collette reunites with the director of Muriel’s Wedding! This film will be great, right? Wrong! Oh, so very, very, wrong.
The only thing more boring than a snail and a choir of old people is a film that rests on a lead performance by Mark Wahlberg.
How a director and star team can go from hit to shit with the nosedive that Nicholas Winding Refn and Ryan Gosling took from Drive to Only God Forgives is startling. Gratuitous violence has never been so repellent, while Gosling’s vacant stare has never been more shame-worthy.
Whatever drug Ben Wheatley smoked while filming A Field in England must be pretty darn potent. This film is utter nonsense.
The Die Hard franchise verges on self-parody as Bruce Willis hits Liam Neeson territory with this “I’m too old for this shit” nonsense. Where’s Helen Mirren when you need her?
Kiss of the Damned shows that vampire movies have completely exhausted their potential in this cliché-ridden snoozer. Oh, the hell that Twilight hath wrought.
A double dose of shame for you, Mr. Gosling.
Dishonourable mentions: Arjun: The Warrior Prince, The Counselor, Identity Thief, Mood Indigo, and Paranoia.
Which 2013 turkeys do you want to shame?