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Aaron Eckhart stars in eOne Films' I, Frankenstein |
I, Frankenstein is the ultimate January release. This rotten corpse set an extremely low bar for Janurary--and I say this as someone who gave Movie 43 a regretful 2.5 stars--and yet no film of 2014 looks to be on track to match it. A complete
blunder featuring Aaron Eckhart as a version of Frankenstein’s monster with
ripped abs and a hoodie, this totally derivative attempt to cash in on the popularity of genre
reboots assembles the worst parts of cinematic corpses into one ultimate 3D
monstrosity. The scariest thing of all is that distributor eOne found 222
theatres for it in Canada, yet they’re not even releasing this year’s best
horror film, The Babadook, into theatres. At least I got a free notebook out of I, Frankenstein, which is
far more than I can say for anything else on this list.
I know it’s frowned upon for year-end lists to include
festival films that have yet to receive a theatrical release, but The Cobbler
is so unbelievably awfully terrible that just need to purge it from my system. The only laugh I recall having at The Cobbler was at the sight of someone wearing a three-piece suit to the TIFF premiere.
Who wears a three-piece suit to The Cobbler?!
Who wears a three-piece suit to The Cobbler?!
So not fetch.
"A landmark teen movie!" -Beyond Clueless 2.
Watch out, Liam Neeson! Here comes Denzel!
How long can we keep
cheering “Yay, local content!” at one-off screenings for films like American
Descent that try to hide their local character, yet simply reveal
themselves as cheap, artless, and generic in the process?
In all fairness, I only saw Nurse 3D in 2D so I shouldn’t
make any jokes about Paz de la Huerta being really flat.
I still don't know whether Marion Cotillard's character was supposed to be from Bulgaria, Brooklyn, or Rocky & Bullwinkle.
Yes, the story behind Third Contact is inspiring, so I
probably seem like a jerk for including it. The backstory for Third Contact is
that director Simon Horrocks shot the film himself for £4000 when all potential
producers passed on his passion project, and then he raised money for distribution
via a crowdfunding campaign that was so obnoxious, belligerent and relentless
that I felt like the guy in Cool Runnings who approaches Sanka and says, “I’ll pay you a dollar to shut up.” Sometimes
a “little movie that could” finds an audience despite the odds, and sometimes everybody
passes on a movie because it just plain stinks.
Jersey Boys is so boring that even I was texting throughout
the movie, but it was totally fine because I was literally the only person in
the theatre.
Dishonorable mentions: Frank,
Fed Up, Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit, Left Behind, The Lost Key, and Scarecrow Club.