The Foreigner
(UK/China/USA, 114 min.)
Dir. Martin Campbell, Writ. David Marconi
Starring: Jackie Chan, Pierce Brosnan, Katie Leung, Charlie
Murphy, Orla Brady
 |
| Courtesy VVS Films |
Liam Neeson, Denzel Washington, and Bruce Willis are sitting
around a table. It’s 4:15 PM and the actors are partway through the seniors’
special at Denny’s. They nibble their chicken wings, lick their greasy spoons,
and sip their decaf coffees while trading war stories of action films of the
past.
In walks Jackie Chan.
“Ya,” replies Chan. “It was bound to happen. Better than a
desk job, I guess.”
“Cheer up!” exclaims Willis, pulling out the fourth chair
for Chan to join the table.
“Yeah,” grins Washington, eyeing Oskar Schindler to his
right. “It’s not like your dignity’s been…TAKEN.”
“Aw, fuck you!” cries Neeson, throwing his mild chicken wing
across the table. “That joke was old three movies ago.”
“At least you got an honorary Oscar,” nods Willis to Chan,
trying to ease the situation.
“Least I’ve been nominated,” quips Neeson.
“King Kong ain’t got nuthin’ on me!” cracks Washington,
nudging Neeson in the ribs with his two Oscars, which he carries at all times.
“Fuck this,” pouts Neeson. “I’m too old for this shit.”
“You already used that line in Taken 2,” cracks Chan, taking his seat while Washington and Willis
hoot and holler until their lungs can’t take it anymore.
Willis orders the boys another round of decaf coffees, while
Washington grabs Chan the quarter chicken special and Neeson wipes tears with a
wet nap. It’s just another day of showbusiness for these old dogs.
***
“What’re you working on now?” asks Neeson while Chan settles
his napkin on his lap.
“New movie. The
Foreigner. Comes out next week,” Chan replies. “It’s based on a book, The Chinaman. Anyone read it?”
“Ya. Shit made no sense to me,” says Willis.
“No pictures?” asks Washington.
Willis squints, angrily.
“Go on,” encourages Neeson, ignoring the salty peanut gallery.
“My character, Quan Minh, is a Chinese ex-pat and British
citizen in London whose only daughter dies when rogue members of the IRA blow
up a bank,” explains Chan.
“And goes on a bloodbath of vigilante justice to avenge said daughter?” asks Washington.
“Stole your gig!” laughs Willis to Neeson.
“Pfft! I did it first,” says Neeson proudly. “The true
original.”
“Hey, hey, hey,” interjects Washington. “Carrie wasn’t my daughter. Just a friend.”
“This one’s different,” insists Chan. “Less Taxi Driver. See, Quan finds himself on
the phone with Northern Ireland’s Deputy Prime Minister, Liam Hennessey, played
by Pierce Brosnan--you know, James Bond?”
“Yes, yes,” insists Neeson. “He joins us for dinner often.”
“See, Quan decides Hennessey is either connected to the
bombers or has direct knowledge of them,” continues Chan. “Quan retaliates with
violence and he starts bombing the people who might know something
about the bombers. He runs around Belfast making pipe bombs while members of
the IRA and the London police trade tips on ‘The Chinaman’ who is blowing shit
up.”
“Chinaman?” asks
Washington.
“Wai-wai-wai-wai-wait,” interjects Willis. “I’m not
following any of this.”
“He was Special Forces in China,” explains Chan. “He lost
his family to Thai pirates and knows Kung Fu; how to build bombs. He bombs the
IRA who bombed him.”
“Irish car bombs all around!” Neeson insists to the waitress
bussing the tables.
“This is a Denny’s, gramps,” she replies dryly before moving on
down the line.
“Still not getting it,” says Willis. “Why are you killing them?”
“So, you’re basically playing a guy who slings noodles and
can then take out armies like Kung Fu Rambo?” asks Washington.
“Exactly!” nods Chan.
Washington laughs. “Where Fonzie once jumped the shark, Jackie Chan has officially punched the wolf.”
“Stories are neither the point nor the strength of films
starring members of the LNC,” advises Neeson sagely.
“Shit doesn’t make any sense,” insists Willis. “But the
action’s good?”
“The action’s really good,” smiles Chan. “I might be old, but I kick some pretty good ass.”
***
It’s nearly five. Dinner is almost done and the gentlemen
are ready for bed. The waitress drops a check on the table.
Chan reaches for his fanny pack.
“Don’t worry,” winks Neeson. “I’ve taken care of it.”
***
The Foreigner opens in theatres on Friday, Oct. 13.
